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Saturday, May 10, 2003
ONE DAPPER BABY Here's Monica dressed in the official garb of The Primary Source, my old journalistic stomping grounds back at Tufts University. Many thanks to the Source staffers who sent along the great bib and teddy bear! 
Looking to buy Source gear of your own? (Who isn't?) Click here. Thursday, May 08, 2003
SOME DAY MY PRINCE HAS COME (cont'd.) Prince Kamara has written me back! (See yesterday's blog). He didn't answer any of my friendly inquiries about life in Congo and the Netherlands, but he is very eager to do business! All he needs for starters, he says, is official name as it appers on official IDs, my phone number, and my fax number. To which, I offered the following reply: Dear Prince, Thanks for your response. Please excuse my cryptic language in this letter, but I have reason to suspect that someone might be monitoring our conversation. Suffice it to say, there's no shortage of powers that be who want nothing better than our, um, business, not to, er, proceed. You know who I mean: rebels, the CIA, Swedes -- I've probably already said too much as it is. So perhaps we should speak in code:  I would be glad to help you move the FURNITURE out of your MOM'S APARTMENT. And I think you're right: A great way to do it would be to put the FURNITURE in my BASEMENT for a while. It's very kind of you to let me keep YOUR OTTOMAN, but as I said, I'm just happy to help a friend out.
But because my NEIGHBORS might be watching, I'm not sure we should send the sensitive DIRECTIONS TO YOUR MOM'S by e-mail. Instead, we should probably meet at your home in the the NEVERLAND NEIGHBORHOOD. I could get a BUS RIDE out there some time next week, and maybe then we could discuss OUR MOVING ARRANGEMENTS in person. Let me know when would be a good time for you, and I'll go ahead and check THE BUS SCHEDULE. But enough about business, pen pal -- let's chit-chat! What's new with you, Prince? How are the gorillas? Have you seen any good movies lately? What's your favorite color? Things here are going OK. My greant-grandpa died last week, which is sad, but they say he's going to leave me some share of his estate (he was an original Microsoft stockholder -- lucky duck!), so that should be good. Maybe I'll be able to pay off those credit cards! Not much else is new, except that I got some games for my X-Box. Do they have video games in Congo? I bet you could even train some of those silver gorillas to play! Your pal, Chris Wednesday, May 07, 2003
A LETTER TO AN AFRICAN PRINCE You know those ridiculous SPAMs, the ones from supposed African royals looking to move enormous sums of money? They promise to make you rich -- all you have to do is provide them with your bank-account number. Well, I've decided to have some fun with the latest appeal and wrote the following response. I'm hoping to get a good dialogue going ... Dear Mr. Prince Kamara, How honored I am to receive your request. I've never talked to a prince before, let alone a Congolese prince in the Netherlands! Of course I would be glad to help your family out in handling the $12.5 million that you have received through the Congolese government. I am sure that the good people of Congo could think of no better use for their money, seeing that you and your family served them so well in the arms-running business all those years. I'm sorry about your father, but maybe if, together, we can move all this money into a foreign account for you, then he will not have given up his life in vain! In fact, in his honor, I want to help you for free -- I do not need the commission you offer, though I could use the money to pay back some overdue credit cards. But I wouldn't think of it! This isn't about me and my wealth, it's about doing a good deed for the free and peace-loving Congolese people! In return, I ask only that if, some day, you can ever return to Congo, I may come as your guest. Of course, I would pay my own airfare, provided my credit cards aren't all maxed out at the time. But I can't believe you would trust me with this honor! How very decent and kind of you! You are the sort of person I want not only for a business partner, but also for a friend. Would you like to become pen pals? I'll go first: How old are you? Do you have any pets? How do you like living in the Netherlands? Do many Netherlanders speak Congolese? Have you been able to see many tulips? Ever since I saw the movie "Congo" a few years back I have been a big admirer of your country. Those silver gorillas you have back there are so smart! And some can talk! By any chance, were you able to bring any gorillas with you to the Netherlands? Oh, and my favorite dance -- BY FAR -- is the Congo! Were we meant to be pals OR WHAT?!? Can't wait to hear from you again soon, Prince! Drop me a note and let me know what's new in the Netherlands, plus whatever I can do to help you with that money transfer. Your new pal, Chris WE CAN WALK & CHEW GUM AT THE SAME TIME This week's FrontPage column celebrates America's successful waging of a "two-front" War on Terror -- The Triumph of the Bush Doctrine. Monday, May 05, 2003
BACK TO COLUMNS Vacation is over, and writing pace resumes. This week in the L.A. Daily News, why California Republicans budget plan stinks, and why it's probably the best thing we can hope to get. |